Well, here we are about a month later than my first post. I am still working the WLMgmt program. I have had my psych eval and have been approved for the program formally. So I'm definitely on the path.
John and I are still loving life together. He is still my inspiration and my cheerleader. I took him along to a WL support group meeting. Funny thing - he has never had the luxury of support groups becuase he paid cash for his procedure and live 3 hours away from his doctor. This was a monumental thing for John. He got to brag up his own success. He got to share his challenges. He got to relate to people living his struggle. I enjoyed listening to him share and watching people be enthralled with his story. (He's so mine!! OMG - I'm terribly twitterpated.) We also got to spend some time hanging out on State Street in Madison - home of University of Wisconsin - Madison, a true party town. That was a great day!
Anyhooooooo - I'm struggling quite a bit. My fat brain says that 2000 calories is a ton of food and I've been overshooting that goal. I'm trying to set myself a mental limit of 1600-1800 cals so if I do go over I can still be within range of the 2000. This food logging has made me a little food obsessed where I don't think I really was before. I just ate and didn't think about it. It's ironic that I'm food obsessed and still overeating. But I'm working on that.
I did have a realization recently after reading an article from the Obesity Action Coalition entitled, "Self Estem, Insecurity and Obesity." It's a well-written piece drawing a correlation between negative messages received and obesity as a "protection" against the hurt of being verbally abused. Having suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous nastiness from my big brother for year and years, the lightbulb suddenly came on for me. I sent the following to John with whom I choose to share everything:
"I am reading on article on self-esteem, insecurity and obesity. It's really good. It talks a lot about the messages we are sent as we grow into adulthood. I think I figured out that part of my issue is that my brother - the one that hates me - gave me nothing but negative, critical feedback most of my childhood. Of all the people we want to impress and we to love us and think we are amazing, our big brother is the number one (right after mom and dad). Well, I got nothing from Steve but abusive language and physical violence (he hit me a lot).
So, I'm connecting the dots here. Mom told me to ignore him, and he'd go away. Well, Steve is the kind of bully who won't stop unless someone takes a stand. I was 15 or 16 before my dad finally made him stop hitting me. So then, he hated me more because Dad stood up for me and smacked him around a little to teach him a lesson.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I hid the pain of his abuse and rejection under layers and layers of fat. Then I went on to adulthood and experienced lots and lots of rejection but I made it "better" with food since food never rejected me. I never felt I could please my mom - so I soothed myself with food.
So why do I now feel like I'm in a better place for getting healthy?
1. Mom is gone. I do know she was proud of me. But I don't have to worry about what negative BS she's going to dish out when I don't do what she thinks best.
2. Steve is gone. Basically he has been cut out of my life. I don't have to see him or hear him. I don't care what he thinks. And his words and looking at me like I am disgusting or looking thru me like I don't exist can't hurt me.
3. I stopped setting myself up for rejection by men. I'm better than that. Don't need no stinking jackwagon to treat me like crap.
And I have You. You are an amazing gift to my life.
And I have a wonderful job.
And I have great friends to support me.
And I have a great kid.
And I have my own place in the world.
And I deserve good/great/wonderful things.
There. Got that out of my system. What do you think?"
That's where I'm going to stop with the brainiac stuff. For now.I have lost only 1 pound since I last posted, so this week I took up walking the dogs again - 35-45 minutes a day is my goal. I ordered a pedometer so I can work on getting in more steps, even with my desk job. I'm using "fatsecret.com" to track my food and exercise. I'm drinking at minimum 64 oz of water a day.
That's how I'm rolling right now. Stay gold.
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