My five things Friday...

1. I can be an inspiration. Out of the blue this morning a co-worker facebooked me wanting to go for a walk around my little town.  My house is a mess always and she lives in what is to me a palatial estate.  So I warned her about my "white-trash-third-ward" abode and over she came.  We had a great walk and talk. She told me that my commitment to walking on a regular basis has given her motivation to get her own self moving.  Whodathunkit?

2. I am in a perfect place today where I don't care if I eat or not.  Life is good.  I don't feel the need to graze.  And what I have eaten has been high in protein. Plus an apple.  It's not that hard today.

3. As I'm cleaning out my body and brain from depression and being sedentary, I am inclined to also clean my house and get rid of the crap that just sits here gathering dust.  Depression is a terrible thing.  I'm not saying I'm a hoarder exactly, cuz I can navigate the house easily. I do have random piles of stuff that need to go somewhere or in the garbage.

4. I love this weather. It's almost 50* in Wisconsin today.  I have sheets on the line.  I love sleeping in line-dryed sheets after a busy day.  I'm having a sleepover which makes it even better.

5. As I emerge from my old life, I realize how truly blessed I am today.    I'm glad I returned to blogging because I enjoy writing; it's so healing for me.


God bless y'all.

Making myself do things I'd rather not do. It's a good thing.

My inner spoiled brat tends to want to run the show some days.  It's her I have to conquer in order to win this war on myself.  While I was walking recently, I found myself actually thinking about me as two entities - kinda weird, but it makes sense to me.  I've apparently always given in to that spoiled brat which is part of why I ended up over 300 lbs.  It's just easier sometimes....well, most of the time.

No one said that losing weight was going to be easy - it's hard as hell!  And even though some folks think of WLS as the "easy way out" to lose weight, I'm here to say that it isn't true.  And I'm pre-surgery.  I have a ton of work to do before I am finally approved for the lapband.  When I started this my BMI was over 52. Yikes!   I have to get it down to below 50 before I can have out-patient surgery.  That means losing like 30 pounds before I can even get on the table.  And it isn't easy ( no one said it would be, right?)  So I'm busting my butt to get the pounds off before I can even get to the big dance.

So what am I doing to keep the spoiled brat at bay and make progress toward losing that first 30 pounds?

1. I'm eating small meals throughout the day.  In my former teacher life that just wasn't going to happen. Now that I have a desk job with a permanent spot from which I don't often wander, it's pretty easy for me to graze.  My meals consist of protein bars, yogurt, fruit, a chicken salad kit, and repeat of the fruit and yogurt.  I have to get my veggies in at the evening meal, but that is working pretty well.

2. I am drinking at least 64 oz of water a day and trying to make it 100+.  I feel better when I do drink more water.  Plus, I've pretty much given up drinking soda.  Water is free, anyway.

3. I'm walking.  I was walking 30 - 45 minutes a day after work. Well, now I get up earlier and walk for 15 minutes in the morning.  Then after lunch I go out and walk another 15 minutes. In the evening I take the dogs for a walk.  3 dogs - that's 2 15-20 minute walks so I can handle them safely.

4. Taking the stairs -  no more elevator.  I don't often have to go to other floors at work but when I do- it's the stairs I take.  And on that lunch walk I'm doing, on the return trip I am in the basement of our building and I walk to the 4th floor by the stairs.  Today my inner spoiled brat didn't want to do the stairs.  I stood there running excuses past myself for a good 2 minutes.  I envisioned my fellah's look of disapproval if I let myself off the hook.  I felt the guilt of skipping it.  So I did the stairs.  I can't go fast.  I want to drop at the top. But by golly, I did it. 

5. I've cut out a lot of random carbs.  I just prefer eating my self-prescribed diet of fruit and bars and stuff because I know what I'm getting for nutrients and calories.  If left to just free-range feed, I don't do well and I know this.  I have to just be on point always.

And I'm seeing results. The scale doesn't show me much, but I refuse to let that bother me.  I can see in my face and neck that I look better - cripes, I think I've lost a chin.  My clothes definitely it better. I'm missing a saddle bag on my right hip and can't wait for the left one to disappear, too. The non-scale victories are plenty satisfying, especially when the scale doesn't show progress.  I don't need no stinking scale to tell me.

I hope that I am making life-style changes that will last me a lifetime.  Slow and steady.  Changes by change. I may not like every change but change?   It's a good thing.

Exercise to exorcise.....and what else I'm learning

One area I need to improve upon is emotional eating and mindless eating.  Strangely enough, being more mindful of when I eat and why I eat has made me think about food a whole lot more than before.  So now instead of eating mindlessly or emotionally, I'm worrying and fussing about eating in general.   I think this is just a temporary thing - something for me to sort thru as I tear down my old food habit fortress and rebuild new practices for sustaining myself.

Exercise - not a fan.  Let's be clear right there.  I have to make myself get off my butt and haul my carcass around to get in my daily exercise.  I'd much rather flop on the couch than get in 45 minutes of walking or 10000 steps a day.  BUT - I know that the walking I do does more for me than improve my heart/body health.  My walks clear the cobwebs and bullshit from my brain so that I can get and keep my head on straight.

(Pain & Panic from Hercules by Disney)

WALKING AS EXORCISM:  Seriously, when I walk to clear my head, the demons that typically chase around in there go away. I think they are allergic to the amount of oxygen and serotonin that surges through my brain when I'm walking and focusing on keeping up the pace.  DAMMIT! The experts are on to something with this idea of doing something active when head hunger it telling me to eat eat eat.  Seriously, though, I do find that I am calmer and more rational after I have taken a walk.   That desire to eat with reckless abandon goes away - either because it feels good to accomplish the walk or because I am too tired after to drag my butt off the couch in search of food.  The point is, it helps.

I'm trying some different things with eating these days.  First of all, I'm being very conscious of what I bring to work with me to eat. I've got chicken salad kits (one a day), 2 protein bars from Aldi - I eat one as breakfast and one as a snack, a grapefruit, an apple, and cheese sticks.  When it's gone, it's gone.  I don't go to the snack machine or get a soda.  I try really hard to drink over 100 oz of water every day as well. It keeps me full and makes me aware of when I am truly hungry vs. being bored and thinking eating will occupy my time.  Maybe it sounds like not enough food - it does to me, but I do manage to get plenty of calories and protein in by the end of the day.  The hardest part of this is that when I get home from work I am hungry enough to eat my own foot.  So, the last few days I've been eating protein and a veg when I get home and calling it supper.  That means that my son has to fend for himself, but if I cook for him I will eat that meal as well and that just can't happen.  Later in the evening I'll have a fat free yogurt and call it good for the day.  Part of my mindset is to eat 200-400 calories under the 2000 I am allowed so I don't go over - which happens way too often if I'm not mindful.

So why isn't the scale moving?  I dont' know.   We'll write it off to a few things - I'm walking and building muscles that weigh more than fat; I'm taking vitamins that are encouraging growth of these muscles; my thyroid condition makes it hard to lose weight.  The scale hates me is my favorite.

I know I am doing the right things right and that results will follow. In the meantime, I walk and remain focused.  What else can I do?

10 Tips for Dealing with Stress

I work in what used to be 'the commission on aging', so I come into contact with a vast array of people.  In my work I maintain the facebook pages for our company.  These tips come from a caregiver website, but I think they really apply to the fight to lose weight.  I see myself in quote a few of these, especially #5.

Tips and Techniques for Dealing with Stress

By Dr. Rita Nachen Gugel

Change is an expected part of our daily lives today. Dealing with it so that YOU control IT rather than vice versa is an important and positive force in controlling your life. Try a few of these tips.

1. Accept what you cannot change. Take a tip from AA. Change what you can, if it bothers you. But, if you cannot change it, learn to live with it.

2. Face up to your problems. Sort them out, and see which ones are real and which are simply imagined. Deal with them as they are, and not what you think they are.

3. Deal with one problem at a time. Sort out your priorities, and deal with them in the order of their importance to you.

4. Be flexible. Give in once and a while. If you do, others will too.

5. Don’t hold all of your worries inside yourself—talk it out. Frequently we swallow our unhappiness (along with candy, cake, ice cream, etc.) because we can’t let the problems out. Talk to someone. A burden shared is much less of a burden.

6. Work off Stress. Physical outlets for stress help your body to fight off many of the negative results of stress.

7. Get enough rest/relaxation/sleep. Give your body a chance to recover from day to day. Lack of sleep and rest will only make matters worse for you.

8. Avoid “self medication.” A “spoonful of sugar” may make the “medicine go down,” but it does your body no good. Sugar, alcohol, nicotine, and ice cream may all feel good going down, but they make matters worse—from the inside. They add to your body’s physical stresses, thus making dealing with external stresses much harder.

9. “Take time to smell the roses.” Have some fun. Relax.

10. Think about and do something for others. A little altruism never hurt. It even makes people feel better about themselves.

11. Be the “captain of your ship.” If you are not happy with your life, think about what’s wrong or missing, and then plan the necessary actions to change it to coincide with your needs and desires for your life.

12. Work on your relationships with those who share your life. Don’t hold back your feelings. Share them with your family and friends and co-workers. It can help to decrease tensions.

---

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/general/tips_for_stress.htm

Today I met the surgeon.

Dr. B and I met for the first time in person today.

He's adorable. He's got a sense of humor.  He wanted to look at my belly. 

We talked. We laughed, we cried...okay, we didn't, but I did make him laugh.  From what I've heard, he is a little stoic, but then again he is a surgeon, not a stand-up-comic.

I'm moving forward with the process. 

I gained 3 pounds since last week.  WTF!  I walked and worked my butt off over the weekend.  I logged my food. I ate sensibly. I drank gallons of water.

I got my period.  I ate corned beef and sauerkraut - I think I'm retaining all the water I took in because of the sodium.  Time to flush flush flush the system.   I'm irked that I had a gain, but I know it's a faux one. Still - dadgummit!

I have to get this weight off.  I know the ways to do it. I just need to DO IT!

Sure wish it wasn't so flipping hard.

Pre-lap band ponderings - 5 months away - 10 things I'm learning

I've been doing a lot of looking for and reading of blogs by people who have had the lap-band.  I'm learning a lot about the struggles and the mindset it's going to take to be successful.  Here area  few of the things I'm beginning to understand:

1. The band is a tool  - not a miracle cure.

2. I have to work on my food issues now so that when the time comes I can be clear headed about how much and what kind of foods I am going to be able to enjoy.

3. Mental preparation is HUGE HUGE HUGE.   (see #2). It's a good thing in my case that I have to lose at least 30 pounds before surgery so my BMI is below 50. If I do that, I can have outpatient surgery. If I can't, I have to pay some out of pocket.  I can't afford to do that, so I need to work work work.

4. The work I so grudgingly put in now will reap benefits down the road in addition to what I'm getting from it now.  This process is an investment in me and my future. I mean mostly the exercise portion of this.

5. What I do now benefits me as well as the people I love - my son and John.  I want to be around a good long time to live and love both of them, as well as myself.

6. Weighing and measuring is really important.  I have to begin doing that starting today.  No more eyeballing serving sizes.  Creating good habits now will make them seem like normal behaviors when the time comes.

7. I need to clean up my kitchen and organize it so that I can use it to its fullest potential.

8. I need to keep the dining room table clear so we can eat there.

9. I need to stay focused on doing the right things right and forgive myself for the slips but not quit.

10. I have to love ME because I deserve this amazing opportunity.  I am excited for being healthy for the first time in my whole adult life.

Thanks to the people who have written so frankly and bravely about their experiences.  I'm hearing you and working to emulate your successes.

Big wheel keep on turning...

Well, here we are about a month later than my first post.  I am still working the WLMgmt program.  I have had my psych eval and have been approved for the program formally.  So I'm definitely on the path.

John and I are still loving life together. He is still my inspiration and my cheerleader.  I took  him along to a WL support group meeting. Funny thing - he has never had the luxury of support groups becuase he paid cash for his procedure and live 3 hours away from his doctor.  This was a monumental thing for John.  He got to brag up his own success. He got to share his challenges. He got to relate to people living his struggle.  I enjoyed listening to him share and watching people be enthralled with his story.  (He's so mine!! OMG - I'm terribly twitterpated.)  We also got to spend some time hanging out on State Street in Madison - home of University of Wisconsin - Madison, a true party town.  That was a great day!

Anyhooooooo - I'm struggling quite a bit.  My fat brain says that 2000 calories is a ton of food and I've been overshooting that goal.  I'm trying to set myself a mental limit of 1600-1800 cals so if I do go over I can still be within range of the 2000.  This food logging has made me a little food obsessed where I don't think I really was before. I just ate and didn't think about it. It's ironic that I'm food obsessed and still overeating.  But I'm working on that.

I did have a realization recently after reading an article from the Obesity Action Coalition entitled, "Self Estem, Insecurity and Obesity."  It's a well-written piece drawing a correlation between negative messages received and obesity as a "protection" against the hurt of being verbally abused.  Having suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous nastiness from my big brother for year and years, the lightbulb suddenly came on for me.  I sent the following to John with whom I choose to share everything:

"I am reading on article on self-esteem, insecurity and obesity.   It's really good. It talks a lot about the messages we are sent as we grow into adulthood. I think I figured out that part of my issue is that my brother - the one that hates me - gave me nothing but negative, critical feedback most of my childhood.  Of all the people we want to impress and we to love us and think we are amazing, our big brother is the number one (right after mom and dad).  Well, I got nothing from Steve but abusive language and physical violence (he hit me a lot).

So, I'm connecting the dots here.   Mom told me to ignore him, and he'd go away.  Well, Steve is the kind of bully who won't stop unless someone takes a stand.  I was 15 or 16 before my dad finally made him stop hitting me.  So then, he hated me more because Dad stood up for me and smacked him around a little to teach him a lesson.

All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I hid the pain of his abuse and rejection under layers and layers of fat.  Then I went on to adulthood and experienced lots and lots of rejection but I made it "better" with food since food never rejected me.  I never felt I could please my mom - so I soothed myself with food.

So why do I now feel like I'm in a better place for getting healthy?
1. Mom is gone.  I do know she was proud of me. But I don't have to worry about what negative BS she's going to dish out when I  don't do what she thinks best.
2. Steve is gone.  Basically he has been cut out of my life.  I don't have to see him or hear him. I don't care what he thinks. And his words and looking at me like I am disgusting or looking thru me like I don't exist can't hurt me.
3. I stopped setting myself up for rejection by men.  I'm better than that.  Don't need no stinking jackwagon to treat me like crap.


And I have You.  You are an amazing gift to my life.
And I have a wonderful job.
And I have great friends to support me.
And I have a great kid.
And I have my own place in the world.
And I deserve good/great/wonderful things.

There. Got that out of my system.  What do you think?"

That's where I'm going to stop with the brainiac stuff. For now.I have lost only 1 pound since I last posted, so this week I took up walking the dogs again - 35-45 minutes a day is my goal.  I ordered a pedometer so I can work on getting in more steps, even with my desk job.  I'm using "fatsecret.com" to track my food and exercise.  I'm drinking at minimum 64 oz of water a day.

That's how I'm rolling right now.  Stay gold.