Having a laproscopic band has not helped me dump a ton of weight. There. I said it. In fact, I'm stuck at 285 lbs.
My recovery was very quick. I was able to hiking at Devils Lake State Park 9 days after the procedure. Part of that hike is a climb about 500 feet straight up and it's 4/10 of a mile long. We walked almost 4 miles that day. It was exhausting, yet the feeling of victory over that beast of a hike was something the likes of which I had not felt in many many years.
My battle of the band is largely mental. I have grown so accustomed to eating and eating and eating until the food in front of me is gone, that I never learned to find "full". Crazy thing - I can eat everything I used to eat! Now I have to make the conscious choice to eat good food, high in protein and stop before I am stuffed. It is a daily battle.
At this point I am almost 7 weeks post-op. I just had my first fill last week. I can tell a little difference, but I can still eat a lot. I'm told that this will be the case until I get two more fills or so. That won't happen for probably 6-8 weeks. So, I am really having to think about what I'm doing when I get hungry. I also have to really watch myself when I eat so that I don't over do it. It.Is.Hard.
I did join Anytime Fitness about 3 weeks ago...maybe 4 weeks. IDK. I LOVE it. I figure that at some point my fitness endeavors and my lapband tool should connect and the weight will start moving again. The one thing I really really really am aware of is this:
This is a mental/psychological process. M>E>N>T>A>L
It's within me to conquer the beast. I need to brain it out to find total success.
Progress
Monday, October 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
I'm back AND banded.
Well, it has been far too long since I've blogged. Clearly I need to get this bad-boy up to date so I can track my progress and struggles.
When last I wrote, it was April and I was on the mission toward getting the lapband procedure done. I had to lose enough weight to get my BMI under 50 in order to have the surgery as an outpatient.
Fast forward to September 20, and here I am - perfectly banded and doing okay.
I finished my last class for the procedure in July. They submitted me to surgery right away and approval came within a week. I needed to lose 10 more pounds by my August check in to hit my BMI goal. I was feeling pretty good.
August check in - I lost that 10 pounds - you bet I did!! I had to be really strict about what I ate. But I was and did the job. Next would come a flurry of appointments, including scheduling my surgery for August 30. That was the perfect date because my support group is my fellah and my son - neither would miss school for my surgery.
I didn't do so well maintaining my 10 pound loss. I did get it off before surgery - thank goodness.
Got a call that my surgeon had suddenly decided that anyone with a BMI over 45 couldn't have the procedure done in the "other" surgery center. Noooooo, I was going to have to be rescheduled and have my surgery in the St. Mary's OR. WTF. Still haven't received the bill for that - hoping it isn't a ton more than my peers who also had the procedure done had to pay. I will appeal to the surgeon's kind side if it is. (No fair, I cried!! And when we talked, I gave him the stink eye so he'd know I wasn't happy.)
Wellll, let's see.....pre-op with my reg. doctor was Aug. 28.
Surgery: September 4.
We had to get up at 3:00 a.m. to drive to Madison; we were on the road by 3:30 a.m.. It took about an hour and 15 minutes. We arrived and our car was swept away by valet parking guys. We didn't even have a chance to warm our chairs up good before i was called to register and then taken back to "my room". Had to get completely nakers and gown up. Apparently there are two gown sizes for adults: regular and mammoth. I invited John and the nurse to put the gown on with me - they both declined. We could have all fit in comfortably. I was hooked up to the IV and they started jacking me full of fluid so I'd be well hydrated. I waited. I was soon whisked away to the pre-op space without my sweet John and with about a dozen other folks also preparing for surgery. I was just a little scared.
The anesthetist dropped by to chat me up. "Can you climb a flight of stairs?" he asked me. My eyes got big and I responded - "Dude, I hike state parks." He said, "Oh, well, I guess you can then." Oh, you stereotyper guy! This fatty-fat girl walks and hikes and takes stairs! Youbetcha!!! Never ever underestimate the power of a woman determined!
I had the presence of mind to request a trip to the potty before the nurse started the IV to make me relaxed. I preferred waltzing thru the middle of the pre-op area in my flowing gown - butt not hanging out - to the notion of trying to whiz on a bedpan. Disaster averted.
Surgery happened. I'm having a hard time remembering being taken to surgery. All I do remember is waking up just after having the tube taken out of my throat and feeling like I was going to throw up. I swear they put something on my just that I could inhale to help with the nausea. I would end up wishing I had that stuff -whatever it was - over and over once we left the hospital. Was taken in my bed back to my recovery room and eventually woke up. No pain at that point. Just woozy. The day went on, and the surgeon never stopped in. I think that's weird. He did report to John that the surgery went great, no complications, etc. Again....weird. I was able to eat and swallow and keep down water via ice chips. And by about 4:00 I was able to drink 8 oz of water and pee in the hat on the potty. (I told my nurse I felt like a cat peeing in a litter box. Well. I did!) Once those two things were accomplished and John had my Rx for pain - we were off down the road to home.
Nausea phase one: since I was a little kid, I was prone to car sickness. We were trying to get out of Madison when I had to make John pull over in case I puked. I sucked lots of air and the wave passed.
Nausea phase two: 60 minutes later we arrive at Wisconsin Dells. We went to Wal*Mart for
Gas-X strips and tylenol. Doritos for John. (Ugh!) And I was sick sick sick again - just had to walk it off and suck air to make it pass.
Arrive home about 6:00. I got settled in. Took some medicine. Heating pad on my back for the pain from being inflated. My son came home. My sweet, loving John bolted like he'd been launched outta there. He had had enough fun for the day.
Nausea phase three: dry heaves. OMG - no one wants to freekin' dry heave anyway, much less a fat lady just banded. Suck air, suck air, suck air.
Nausea phase four: vomitous frightnous - kill me now. OMG - I called the oncall nurse and got little reassurance. I talked the on call doctor who said I should throw up any more. (Really???) I could go back to the hospital like 2 hours away for IV's. (Hell to the no!)
Called John - he shoulda stayed, but he is forgiven. I was screwd in the event that I needed to go to the hospital for IVs cuz I was drugged and my kid can't drive at age 14.
Nausea phases five and six - more dry heaving and finally upchucking the minimal liquid in my system.
8:30 p.m. Time to go to bed. I figured that if we all don't totally dehydrate over night, i was going to be just fine 'til morning. I slapped on my jammies and my CPAP maching and was out for the night. Next morning, I felt pretty good, all things considered.
This is long, so I'm going to quit here. I'll write more again soon.
To be continued...
This is my Spring 2011 probably close to my heaviest. I need to find this top and see how it fits now.
This is 2013 after hiking 4 miles in the beautiful bluffs of Wisconsin.
When last I wrote, it was April and I was on the mission toward getting the lapband procedure done. I had to lose enough weight to get my BMI under 50 in order to have the surgery as an outpatient.
Fast forward to September 20, and here I am - perfectly banded and doing okay.
I finished my last class for the procedure in July. They submitted me to surgery right away and approval came within a week. I needed to lose 10 more pounds by my August check in to hit my BMI goal. I was feeling pretty good.
August check in - I lost that 10 pounds - you bet I did!! I had to be really strict about what I ate. But I was and did the job. Next would come a flurry of appointments, including scheduling my surgery for August 30. That was the perfect date because my support group is my fellah and my son - neither would miss school for my surgery.
I didn't do so well maintaining my 10 pound loss. I did get it off before surgery - thank goodness.
Got a call that my surgeon had suddenly decided that anyone with a BMI over 45 couldn't have the procedure done in the "other" surgery center. Noooooo, I was going to have to be rescheduled and have my surgery in the St. Mary's OR. WTF. Still haven't received the bill for that - hoping it isn't a ton more than my peers who also had the procedure done had to pay. I will appeal to the surgeon's kind side if it is. (No fair, I cried!! And when we talked, I gave him the stink eye so he'd know I wasn't happy.)
Wellll, let's see.....pre-op with my reg. doctor was Aug. 28.
Surgery: September 4.
We had to get up at 3:00 a.m. to drive to Madison; we were on the road by 3:30 a.m.. It took about an hour and 15 minutes. We arrived and our car was swept away by valet parking guys. We didn't even have a chance to warm our chairs up good before i was called to register and then taken back to "my room". Had to get completely nakers and gown up. Apparently there are two gown sizes for adults: regular and mammoth. I invited John and the nurse to put the gown on with me - they both declined. We could have all fit in comfortably. I was hooked up to the IV and they started jacking me full of fluid so I'd be well hydrated. I waited. I was soon whisked away to the pre-op space without my sweet John and with about a dozen other folks also preparing for surgery. I was just a little scared.
The anesthetist dropped by to chat me up. "Can you climb a flight of stairs?" he asked me. My eyes got big and I responded - "Dude, I hike state parks." He said, "Oh, well, I guess you can then." Oh, you stereotyper guy! This fatty-fat girl walks and hikes and takes stairs! Youbetcha!!! Never ever underestimate the power of a woman determined!
I had the presence of mind to request a trip to the potty before the nurse started the IV to make me relaxed. I preferred waltzing thru the middle of the pre-op area in my flowing gown - butt not hanging out - to the notion of trying to whiz on a bedpan. Disaster averted.
Surgery happened. I'm having a hard time remembering being taken to surgery. All I do remember is waking up just after having the tube taken out of my throat and feeling like I was going to throw up. I swear they put something on my just that I could inhale to help with the nausea. I would end up wishing I had that stuff -whatever it was - over and over once we left the hospital. Was taken in my bed back to my recovery room and eventually woke up. No pain at that point. Just woozy. The day went on, and the surgeon never stopped in. I think that's weird. He did report to John that the surgery went great, no complications, etc. Again....weird. I was able to eat and swallow and keep down water via ice chips. And by about 4:00 I was able to drink 8 oz of water and pee in the hat on the potty. (I told my nurse I felt like a cat peeing in a litter box. Well. I did!) Once those two things were accomplished and John had my Rx for pain - we were off down the road to home.
Nausea phase one: since I was a little kid, I was prone to car sickness. We were trying to get out of Madison when I had to make John pull over in case I puked. I sucked lots of air and the wave passed.
Nausea phase two: 60 minutes later we arrive at Wisconsin Dells. We went to Wal*Mart for
Gas-X strips and tylenol. Doritos for John. (Ugh!) And I was sick sick sick again - just had to walk it off and suck air to make it pass.
Arrive home about 6:00. I got settled in. Took some medicine. Heating pad on my back for the pain from being inflated. My son came home. My sweet, loving John bolted like he'd been launched outta there. He had had enough fun for the day.
Nausea phase three: dry heaves. OMG - no one wants to freekin' dry heave anyway, much less a fat lady just banded. Suck air, suck air, suck air.
Nausea phase four: vomitous frightnous - kill me now. OMG - I called the oncall nurse and got little reassurance. I talked the on call doctor who said I should throw up any more. (Really???) I could go back to the hospital like 2 hours away for IV's. (Hell to the no!)
Called John - he shoulda stayed, but he is forgiven. I was screwd in the event that I needed to go to the hospital for IVs cuz I was drugged and my kid can't drive at age 14.
Nausea phases five and six - more dry heaving and finally upchucking the minimal liquid in my system.
8:30 p.m. Time to go to bed. I figured that if we all don't totally dehydrate over night, i was going to be just fine 'til morning. I slapped on my jammies and my CPAP maching and was out for the night. Next morning, I felt pretty good, all things considered.
This is long, so I'm going to quit here. I'll write more again soon.
To be continued...
This is my Spring 2011 probably close to my heaviest. I need to find this top and see how it fits now.
This is 2013 after hiking 4 miles in the beautiful bluffs of Wisconsin.Thursday, April 11, 2013
I'm learning...
I intended to write more regularly -ooopsies!
I had my monthly appointment at the weight management program yesterday. I am down a total of 13 pounds since starting the program. My blood pressure was SUPER! Thanks to that walking I'm doing, I've got it a little more under control - not that it was a problem, but there is family history there.
I have 10 pounds to lose now so that my BMI goes under 50. That means that I can do the lap-band procedure as an outpatient. I. must.lose.the.ten. Granted I have like 3 months, but I also have a 30 year class reunion in August. I am doing a 5K walk in early May. I'm also doing a Dirty Girl event near Milwaukee in the middle of August - unless I manage to score a surgery date by then in which case I won't be getting dirty with my girl-peeps.
Things I learned at yesterday's class:
1. We truly are all different as we pursue this thing called health. I was in class with two other people and we were all three very very different in our approaches and in our paths. I have to say I feel really really smart about this process and how I'm going to get to the big day as healthfully as possible.
2. When I want to, I have amazing determination. Strangely, this is one of the first times I have put the focus on my self and worked hard to achieve something primarily for ME. I continue to learn that I am worthy of good health, wellness, and looking like the woman I am on the inside. Cuz inner-skinny-bitch ROCKS!
We know that's NOT what I meant.
Annnd, that's not it either. You get the point.
3. Grazing vs 3 squares - I have been grazing throughout the day to get my protein in. I'm not eating as many veggies and fruits as I should but I've got this protein thing down. So last night I bought the baby carrrots in the bag and dragged them to work with me. I've eaten some. They give me hiccups. But I ate 'em anyway. Maybe I'm sucking air. But I'm getting in the stupid vegetables.
4. I'm prone to celebratory food fun. We had spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic cheese bread for supper last night. OMG - it was delish. I've eaten a bit of pasta, but this was pasta-palooza. Naturally this morning I had to have a chocolate bismark with chocolate cream filling chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles. The Kwik Trip knew I was on my way. I chased it with a chocolate milk. That's the end of the food fest. Now I have to get serious again.
5. Cleaning out the fridge is empowering. I don't have enough room to see all my veggies on the shelves because of all the crap and leftover containers and rotting stuff I forgot about and jars of pickles we inherited from my mom when she died. Who the hell needs 6 jars of pickles in their fridge? I made my son drain and dump them all out. I don't much like pickles. I felt bad dumping them. But now I can see what's all in that fridge and maybe won't let stuff rot and leak all over.
Things are going along well. I feel good. The only "issue" is that I think "that time of the month" is freekin' early. I.HATE.IT.A.LOT!!!
Hopefully it will pass quickly so I can get on with the rest of my life.
TTFN!
I had my monthly appointment at the weight management program yesterday. I am down a total of 13 pounds since starting the program. My blood pressure was SUPER! Thanks to that walking I'm doing, I've got it a little more under control - not that it was a problem, but there is family history there.
I have 10 pounds to lose now so that my BMI goes under 50. That means that I can do the lap-band procedure as an outpatient. I. must.lose.the.ten. Granted I have like 3 months, but I also have a 30 year class reunion in August. I am doing a 5K walk in early May. I'm also doing a Dirty Girl event near Milwaukee in the middle of August - unless I manage to score a surgery date by then in which case I won't be getting dirty with my girl-peeps.
Things I learned at yesterday's class:
1. We truly are all different as we pursue this thing called health. I was in class with two other people and we were all three very very different in our approaches and in our paths. I have to say I feel really really smart about this process and how I'm going to get to the big day as healthfully as possible.
2. When I want to, I have amazing determination. Strangely, this is one of the first times I have put the focus on my self and worked hard to achieve something primarily for ME. I continue to learn that I am worthy of good health, wellness, and looking like the woman I am on the inside. Cuz inner-skinny-bitch ROCKS!
We know that's NOT what I meant.3. Grazing vs 3 squares - I have been grazing throughout the day to get my protein in. I'm not eating as many veggies and fruits as I should but I've got this protein thing down. So last night I bought the baby carrrots in the bag and dragged them to work with me. I've eaten some. They give me hiccups. But I ate 'em anyway. Maybe I'm sucking air. But I'm getting in the stupid vegetables.
4. I'm prone to celebratory food fun. We had spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic cheese bread for supper last night. OMG - it was delish. I've eaten a bit of pasta, but this was pasta-palooza. Naturally this morning I had to have a chocolate bismark with chocolate cream filling chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles. The Kwik Trip knew I was on my way. I chased it with a chocolate milk. That's the end of the food fest. Now I have to get serious again.
5. Cleaning out the fridge is empowering. I don't have enough room to see all my veggies on the shelves because of all the crap and leftover containers and rotting stuff I forgot about and jars of pickles we inherited from my mom when she died. Who the hell needs 6 jars of pickles in their fridge? I made my son drain and dump them all out. I don't much like pickles. I felt bad dumping them. But now I can see what's all in that fridge and maybe won't let stuff rot and leak all over.
Things are going along well. I feel good. The only "issue" is that I think "that time of the month" is freekin' early. I.HATE.IT.A.LOT!!!
Hopefully it will pass quickly so I can get on with the rest of my life.
TTFN!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
This work is hard!!!
Stalking lots of blogs lately, I notice the hot topic seems to be the notion that some folks see bariatric surgery as "the easy way out." Maybe I thought that as well, but then I met my boyfriend who has lost 180 lbs. thru gastric bypass surgery and has to run every day to keep the evil pounds at bay. I think of another friend who has lost a ton of weight but is still miserable as a person. It ain't easy.
If you've ready any of this blog, you know I am preparing for lapband surgery. I am about 3 months into my 6 month preparation program. At 322 lbs my BMI was over 50. In order to have the surgery as an outpatient, i need to lose weight to get that BMI below 50.
IT IS HARD!!!
The mental part is just as challenging as the physical. I have been fighting demons for years and managed to swaddle them in my fat self. Unraveling the reasons I've gotten to this weight his hard and painful. This shit ain't for sissies.
And before January 1 I had become a complete couch potato. Since then I have been working toward getting fit. I am walking. For a while I did one walk a day. Then I decided to try two walks. Now I'm up to three walks a day. I started doing 15 minutes in the morning; now I'm doing 30 minutes. Around lunch time I take a 15-20 minute walk, making myself climb the stairs in my office building from the basement to the 4th floor. Hauling this carcass up that many stairs is an ass-kicker. Today I wanted to skip it because I've been congested and am having trouble breathing, but I did it anyway. This evening I will walk my three dogs...in two rounds of walking.
This morning - I jogged. I've read a little about the Couch to 5K program, so I decided to add some bursts of jogging in with my walking. I hurt now a little, but by golly it didn't kill me. I think I will try a little of that again tonight. The dogs will love it.
My personally prescribed eating program seems to be working. I feel good and can tell when I've fouled up. It isn't worth it to feel so gross, so I know I have to be much much more careful what I put in my mouth.
I've been drinking hot tea the last couple days to fight the congestion in my chest. It sure helps.
I'm really enjoying this journey, even though it is hard. I like me a lot these days and feel like a success for the first time in ages. That's a good thing. I don't feel like I need to hide anymore, either. Hide from what? IDK - but I have the sense that I've been hiding from the world.
OOOOP! Gotta go. I can smell the coffee pot burning out the bottom. Thanks for reading!
If you've ready any of this blog, you know I am preparing for lapband surgery. I am about 3 months into my 6 month preparation program. At 322 lbs my BMI was over 50. In order to have the surgery as an outpatient, i need to lose weight to get that BMI below 50.
IT IS HARD!!!
The mental part is just as challenging as the physical. I have been fighting demons for years and managed to swaddle them in my fat self. Unraveling the reasons I've gotten to this weight his hard and painful. This shit ain't for sissies.
And before January 1 I had become a complete couch potato. Since then I have been working toward getting fit. I am walking. For a while I did one walk a day. Then I decided to try two walks. Now I'm up to three walks a day. I started doing 15 minutes in the morning; now I'm doing 30 minutes. Around lunch time I take a 15-20 minute walk, making myself climb the stairs in my office building from the basement to the 4th floor. Hauling this carcass up that many stairs is an ass-kicker. Today I wanted to skip it because I've been congested and am having trouble breathing, but I did it anyway. This evening I will walk my three dogs...in two rounds of walking.
This morning - I jogged. I've read a little about the Couch to 5K program, so I decided to add some bursts of jogging in with my walking. I hurt now a little, but by golly it didn't kill me. I think I will try a little of that again tonight. The dogs will love it.
My personally prescribed eating program seems to be working. I feel good and can tell when I've fouled up. It isn't worth it to feel so gross, so I know I have to be much much more careful what I put in my mouth.
I've been drinking hot tea the last couple days to fight the congestion in my chest. It sure helps.
I'm really enjoying this journey, even though it is hard. I like me a lot these days and feel like a success for the first time in ages. That's a good thing. I don't feel like I need to hide anymore, either. Hide from what? IDK - but I have the sense that I've been hiding from the world.
OOOOP! Gotta go. I can smell the coffee pot burning out the bottom. Thanks for reading!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Hangover - kill me now.1
I had a beautiful weekend with my man and my son. Easter was with them plus my brother plus my bestie and her hubby. What a great day.
The bad news is that I was off the hook with my eating. I was a frickin' eating machine and didn't give a rip that I was falling right into my old stuff myself at holiday time pattern.
I felt like total crap all day long.
I'm exhausted now.
Lesson learned.
MUST.STAY .FOCUSED.
The bad news is that I was off the hook with my eating. I was a frickin' eating machine and didn't give a rip that I was falling right into my old stuff myself at holiday time pattern.
I felt like total crap all day long.
I'm exhausted now.
Lesson learned.
MUST.STAY .FOCUSED.
Friday, March 29, 2013
My five things Friday...
1. I can be an inspiration. Out of the blue this morning a co-worker facebooked me wanting to go for a walk around my little town. My house is a mess always and she lives in what is to me a palatial estate. So I warned her about my "white-trash-third-ward" abode and over she came. We had a great walk and talk. She told me that my commitment to walking on a regular basis has given her motivation to get her own self moving. Whodathunkit?
2. I am in a perfect place today where I don't care if I eat or not. Life is good. I don't feel the need to graze. And what I have eaten has been high in protein. Plus an apple. It's not that hard today.
3. As I'm cleaning out my body and brain from depression and being sedentary, I am inclined to also clean my house and get rid of the crap that just sits here gathering dust. Depression is a terrible thing. I'm not saying I'm a hoarder exactly, cuz I can navigate the house easily. I do have random piles of stuff that need to go somewhere or in the garbage.
4. I love this weather. It's almost 50* in Wisconsin today. I have sheets on the line. I love sleeping in line-dryed sheets after a busy day. I'm having a sleepover which makes it even better.
5. As I emerge from my old life, I realize how truly blessed I am today. I'm glad I returned to blogging because I enjoy writing; it's so healing for me.
God bless y'all.
2. I am in a perfect place today where I don't care if I eat or not. Life is good. I don't feel the need to graze. And what I have eaten has been high in protein. Plus an apple. It's not that hard today.
3. As I'm cleaning out my body and brain from depression and being sedentary, I am inclined to also clean my house and get rid of the crap that just sits here gathering dust. Depression is a terrible thing. I'm not saying I'm a hoarder exactly, cuz I can navigate the house easily. I do have random piles of stuff that need to go somewhere or in the garbage.
4. I love this weather. It's almost 50* in Wisconsin today. I have sheets on the line. I love sleeping in line-dryed sheets after a busy day. I'm having a sleepover which makes it even better.
5. As I emerge from my old life, I realize how truly blessed I am today. I'm glad I returned to blogging because I enjoy writing; it's so healing for me.
God bless y'all.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Making myself do things I'd rather not do. It's a good thing.
My inner spoiled brat tends to want to run the show some days. It's her I have to conquer in order to win this war on myself. While I was walking recently, I found myself actually thinking about me as two entities - kinda weird, but it makes sense to me. I've apparently always given in to that spoiled brat which is part of why I ended up over 300 lbs. It's just easier sometimes....well, most of the time.
No one said that losing weight was going to be easy - it's hard as hell! And even though some folks think of WLS as the "easy way out" to lose weight, I'm here to say that it isn't true. And I'm pre-surgery. I have a ton of work to do before I am finally approved for the lapband. When I started this my BMI was over 52. Yikes! I have to get it down to below 50 before I can have out-patient surgery. That means losing like 30 pounds before I can even get on the table. And it isn't easy ( no one said it would be, right?) So I'm busting my butt to get the pounds off before I can even get to the big dance.
So what am I doing to keep the spoiled brat at bay and make progress toward losing that first 30 pounds?
1. I'm eating small meals throughout the day. In my former teacher life that just wasn't going to happen. Now that I have a desk job with a permanent spot from which I don't often wander, it's pretty easy for me to graze. My meals consist of protein bars, yogurt, fruit, a chicken salad kit, and repeat of the fruit and yogurt. I have to get my veggies in at the evening meal, but that is working pretty well.
2. I am drinking at least 64 oz of water a day and trying to make it 100+. I feel better when I do drink more water. Plus, I've pretty much given up drinking soda. Water is free, anyway.
3. I'm walking. I was walking 30 - 45 minutes a day after work. Well, now I get up earlier and walk for 15 minutes in the morning. Then after lunch I go out and walk another 15 minutes. In the evening I take the dogs for a walk. 3 dogs - that's 2 15-20 minute walks so I can handle them safely.
4. Taking the stairs - no more elevator. I don't often have to go to other floors at work but when I do- it's the stairs I take. And on that lunch walk I'm doing, on the return trip I am in the basement of our building and I walk to the 4th floor by the stairs. Today my inner spoiled brat didn't want to do the stairs. I stood there running excuses past myself for a good 2 minutes. I envisioned my fellah's look of disapproval if I let myself off the hook. I felt the guilt of skipping it. So I did the stairs. I can't go fast. I want to drop at the top. But by golly, I did it.
5. I've cut out a lot of random carbs. I just prefer eating my self-prescribed diet of fruit and bars and stuff because I know what I'm getting for nutrients and calories. If left to just free-range feed, I don't do well and I know this. I have to just be on point always.
And I'm seeing results. The scale doesn't show me much, but I refuse to let that bother me. I can see in my face and neck that I look better - cripes, I think I've lost a chin. My clothes definitely it better. I'm missing a saddle bag on my right hip and can't wait for the left one to disappear, too. The non-scale victories are plenty satisfying, especially when the scale doesn't show progress. I don't need no stinking scale to tell me.
I hope that I am making life-style changes that will last me a lifetime. Slow and steady. Changes by change. I may not like every change but change? It's a good thing.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Exercise to exorcise.....and what else I'm learning
One area I need to improve upon is emotional eating and mindless eating. Strangely enough, being more mindful of when I eat and why I eat has made me think about food a whole lot more than before. So now instead of eating mindlessly or emotionally, I'm worrying and fussing about eating in general. I think this is just a temporary thing - something for me to sort thru as I tear down my old food habit fortress and rebuild new practices for sustaining myself.
Exercise - not a fan. Let's be clear right there. I have to make myself get off my butt and haul my carcass around to get in my daily exercise. I'd much rather flop on the couch than get in 45 minutes of walking or 10000 steps a day. BUT - I know that the walking I do does more for me than improve my heart/body health. My walks clear the cobwebs and bullshit from my brain so that I can get and keep my head on straight.
Exercise - not a fan. Let's be clear right there. I have to make myself get off my butt and haul my carcass around to get in my daily exercise. I'd much rather flop on the couch than get in 45 minutes of walking or 10000 steps a day. BUT - I know that the walking I do does more for me than improve my heart/body health. My walks clear the cobwebs and bullshit from my brain so that I can get and keep my head on straight.
(Pain & Panic from Hercules by Disney)
WALKING AS EXORCISM: Seriously, when I walk to clear my head, the demons that typically chase around in there go away. I think they are allergic to the amount of oxygen and serotonin that surges through my brain when I'm walking and focusing on keeping up the pace. DAMMIT! The experts are on to something with this idea of doing something active when head hunger it telling me to eat eat eat. Seriously, though, I do find that I am calmer and more rational after I have taken a walk. That desire to eat with reckless abandon goes away - either because it feels good to accomplish the walk or because I am too tired after to drag my butt off the couch in search of food. The point is, it helps.
I'm trying some different things with eating these days. First of all, I'm being very conscious of what I bring to work with me to eat. I've got chicken salad kits (one a day), 2 protein bars from Aldi - I eat one as breakfast and one as a snack, a grapefruit, an apple, and cheese sticks. When it's gone, it's gone. I don't go to the snack machine or get a soda. I try really hard to drink over 100 oz of water every day as well. It keeps me full and makes me aware of when I am truly hungry vs. being bored and thinking eating will occupy my time. Maybe it sounds like not enough food - it does to me, but I do manage to get plenty of calories and protein in by the end of the day. The hardest part of this is that when I get home from work I am hungry enough to eat my own foot. So, the last few days I've been eating protein and a veg when I get home and calling it supper. That means that my son has to fend for himself, but if I cook for him I will eat that meal as well and that just can't happen. Later in the evening I'll have a fat free yogurt and call it good for the day. Part of my mindset is to eat 200-400 calories under the 2000 I am allowed so I don't go over - which happens way too often if I'm not mindful.
So why isn't the scale moving? I dont' know. We'll write it off to a few things - I'm walking and building muscles that weigh more than fat; I'm taking vitamins that are encouraging growth of these muscles; my thyroid condition makes it hard to lose weight. The scale hates me is my favorite.
I know I am doing the right things right and that results will follow. In the meantime, I walk and remain focused. What else can I do?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
10 Tips for Dealing with Stress
I work in what used to be 'the commission on aging', so I come into contact with a vast array of people. In my work I maintain the facebook pages for our company. These tips come from a caregiver website, but I think they really apply to the fight to lose weight. I see myself in quote a few of these, especially #5.
Tips and Techniques for Dealing with Stress
http://www.caregiver.com/articles/general/tips_for_stress.htm
By Dr. Rita Nachen Gugel
Change is an expected part of our daily lives today. Dealing with it so that YOU control IT rather than vice versa is an important and positive force in controlling your life. Try a few of these tips.
1. Accept what you cannot change. Take a tip from AA. Change what you can, if it bothers you. But, if you cannot change it, learn to live with it.
2. Face up to your problems. Sort them out, and see which ones are real and which are simply imagined. Deal with them as they are, and not what you think they are.
3. Deal with one problem at a time. Sort out your priorities, and deal with them in the order of their importance to you.
4. Be flexible. Give in once and a while. If you do, others will too.
5. Don’t hold all of your worries inside yourself—talk it out. Frequently we swallow our unhappiness (along with candy, cake, ice cream, etc.) because we can’t let the problems out. Talk to someone. A burden shared is much less of a burden.
6. Work off Stress. Physical outlets for stress help your body to fight off many of the negative results of stress.
7. Get enough rest/relaxation/sleep. Give your body a chance to recover from day to day. Lack of sleep and rest will only make matters worse for you.
8. Avoid “self medication.” A “spoonful of sugar” may make the “medicine go down,” but it does your body no good. Sugar, alcohol, nicotine, and ice cream may all feel good going down, but they make matters worse—from the inside. They add to your body’s physical stresses, thus making dealing with external stresses much harder.
9. “Take time to smell the roses.” Have some fun. Relax.
10. Think about and do something for others. A little altruism never hurt. It even makes people feel better about themselves.
11. Be the “captain of your ship.” If you are not happy with your life, think about what’s wrong or missing, and then plan the necessary actions to change it to coincide with your needs and desires for your life.
12. Work on your relationships with those who share your life. Don’t hold back your feelings. Share them with your family and friends and co-workers. It can help to decrease tensions.
1. Accept what you cannot change. Take a tip from AA. Change what you can, if it bothers you. But, if you cannot change it, learn to live with it.
2. Face up to your problems. Sort them out, and see which ones are real and which are simply imagined. Deal with them as they are, and not what you think they are.
3. Deal with one problem at a time. Sort out your priorities, and deal with them in the order of their importance to you.
4. Be flexible. Give in once and a while. If you do, others will too.
5. Don’t hold all of your worries inside yourself—talk it out. Frequently we swallow our unhappiness (along with candy, cake, ice cream, etc.) because we can’t let the problems out. Talk to someone. A burden shared is much less of a burden.
6. Work off Stress. Physical outlets for stress help your body to fight off many of the negative results of stress.
7. Get enough rest/relaxation/sleep. Give your body a chance to recover from day to day. Lack of sleep and rest will only make matters worse for you.
8. Avoid “self medication.” A “spoonful of sugar” may make the “medicine go down,” but it does your body no good. Sugar, alcohol, nicotine, and ice cream may all feel good going down, but they make matters worse—from the inside. They add to your body’s physical stresses, thus making dealing with external stresses much harder.
9. “Take time to smell the roses.” Have some fun. Relax.
10. Think about and do something for others. A little altruism never hurt. It even makes people feel better about themselves.
11. Be the “captain of your ship.” If you are not happy with your life, think about what’s wrong or missing, and then plan the necessary actions to change it to coincide with your needs and desires for your life.
12. Work on your relationships with those who share your life. Don’t hold back your feelings. Share them with your family and friends and co-workers. It can help to decrease tensions.
http://www.caregiver.com/articles/general/tips_for_stress.htm
Monday, March 18, 2013
Today I met the surgeon.
Dr. B and I met for the first time in person today.
He's adorable. He's got a sense of humor. He wanted to look at my belly.
We talked. We laughed, we cried...okay, we didn't, but I did make him laugh. From what I've heard, he is a little stoic, but then again he is a surgeon, not a stand-up-comic.
I'm moving forward with the process.
I gained 3 pounds since last week. WTF! I walked and worked my butt off over the weekend. I logged my food. I ate sensibly. I drank gallons of water.
I got my period. I ate corned beef and sauerkraut - I think I'm retaining all the water I took in because of the sodium. Time to flush flush flush the system. I'm irked that I had a gain, but I know it's a faux one. Still - dadgummit!
I have to get this weight off. I know the ways to do it. I just need to DO IT!
Sure wish it wasn't so flipping hard.
He's adorable. He's got a sense of humor. He wanted to look at my belly.
We talked. We laughed, we cried...okay, we didn't, but I did make him laugh. From what I've heard, he is a little stoic, but then again he is a surgeon, not a stand-up-comic.
I'm moving forward with the process.
I gained 3 pounds since last week. WTF! I walked and worked my butt off over the weekend. I logged my food. I ate sensibly. I drank gallons of water.
I got my period. I ate corned beef and sauerkraut - I think I'm retaining all the water I took in because of the sodium. Time to flush flush flush the system. I'm irked that I had a gain, but I know it's a faux one. Still - dadgummit!
I have to get this weight off. I know the ways to do it. I just need to DO IT!
Sure wish it wasn't so flipping hard.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pre-lap band ponderings - 5 months away - 10 things I'm learning
I've been doing a lot of looking for and reading of blogs by people who have had the lap-band. I'm learning a lot about the struggles and the mindset it's going to take to be successful. Here area few of the things I'm beginning to understand:
1. The band is a tool - not a miracle cure.
2. I have to work on my food issues now so that when the time comes I can be clear headed about how much and what kind of foods I am going to be able to enjoy.
3. Mental preparation is HUGE HUGE HUGE. (see #2). It's a good thing in my case that I have to lose at least 30 pounds before surgery so my BMI is below 50. If I do that, I can have outpatient surgery. If I can't, I have to pay some out of pocket. I can't afford to do that, so I need to work work work.
4. The work I so grudgingly put in now will reap benefits down the road in addition to what I'm getting from it now. This process is an investment in me and my future. I mean mostly the exercise portion of this.
5. What I do now benefits me as well as the people I love - my son and John. I want to be around a good long time to live and love both of them, as well as myself.
6. Weighing and measuring is really important. I have to begin doing that starting today. No more eyeballing serving sizes. Creating good habits now will make them seem like normal behaviors when the time comes.
7. I need to clean up my kitchen and organize it so that I can use it to its fullest potential.
8. I need to keep the dining room table clear so we can eat there.
9. I need to stay focused on doing the right things right and forgive myself for the slips but not quit.
10. I have to love ME because I deserve this amazing opportunity. I am excited for being healthy for the first time in my whole adult life.
Thanks to the people who have written so frankly and bravely about their experiences. I'm hearing you and working to emulate your successes.
1. The band is a tool - not a miracle cure.
2. I have to work on my food issues now so that when the time comes I can be clear headed about how much and what kind of foods I am going to be able to enjoy.
3. Mental preparation is HUGE HUGE HUGE. (see #2). It's a good thing in my case that I have to lose at least 30 pounds before surgery so my BMI is below 50. If I do that, I can have outpatient surgery. If I can't, I have to pay some out of pocket. I can't afford to do that, so I need to work work work.
4. The work I so grudgingly put in now will reap benefits down the road in addition to what I'm getting from it now. This process is an investment in me and my future. I mean mostly the exercise portion of this.
5. What I do now benefits me as well as the people I love - my son and John. I want to be around a good long time to live and love both of them, as well as myself.
6. Weighing and measuring is really important. I have to begin doing that starting today. No more eyeballing serving sizes. Creating good habits now will make them seem like normal behaviors when the time comes.
7. I need to clean up my kitchen and organize it so that I can use it to its fullest potential.
8. I need to keep the dining room table clear so we can eat there.
9. I need to stay focused on doing the right things right and forgive myself for the slips but not quit.
10. I have to love ME because I deserve this amazing opportunity. I am excited for being healthy for the first time in my whole adult life.
Thanks to the people who have written so frankly and bravely about their experiences. I'm hearing you and working to emulate your successes.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Big wheel keep on turning...
Well, here we are about a month later than my first post. I am still working the WLMgmt program. I have had my psych eval and have been approved for the program formally. So I'm definitely on the path.
John and I are still loving life together. He is still my inspiration and my cheerleader. I took him along to a WL support group meeting. Funny thing - he has never had the luxury of support groups becuase he paid cash for his procedure and live 3 hours away from his doctor. This was a monumental thing for John. He got to brag up his own success. He got to share his challenges. He got to relate to people living his struggle. I enjoyed listening to him share and watching people be enthralled with his story. (He's so mine!! OMG - I'm terribly twitterpated.) We also got to spend some time hanging out on State Street in Madison - home of University of Wisconsin - Madison, a true party town. That was a great day!
Anyhooooooo - I'm struggling quite a bit. My fat brain says that 2000 calories is a ton of food and I've been overshooting that goal. I'm trying to set myself a mental limit of 1600-1800 cals so if I do go over I can still be within range of the 2000. This food logging has made me a little food obsessed where I don't think I really was before. I just ate and didn't think about it. It's ironic that I'm food obsessed and still overeating. But I'm working on that.
I did have a realization recently after reading an article from the Obesity Action Coalition entitled, "Self Estem, Insecurity and Obesity." It's a well-written piece drawing a correlation between negative messages received and obesity as a "protection" against the hurt of being verbally abused. Having suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous nastiness from my big brother for year and years, the lightbulb suddenly came on for me. I sent the following to John with whom I choose to share everything:
"I am reading on article on self-esteem, insecurity and obesity. It's really good. It talks a lot about the messages we are sent as we grow into adulthood. I think I figured out that part of my issue is that my brother - the one that hates me - gave me nothing but negative, critical feedback most of my childhood. Of all the people we want to impress and we to love us and think we are amazing, our big brother is the number one (right after mom and dad). Well, I got nothing from Steve but abusive language and physical violence (he hit me a lot).
So, I'm connecting the dots here. Mom told me to ignore him, and he'd go away. Well, Steve is the kind of bully who won't stop unless someone takes a stand. I was 15 or 16 before my dad finally made him stop hitting me. So then, he hated me more because Dad stood up for me and smacked him around a little to teach him a lesson.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I hid the pain of his abuse and rejection under layers and layers of fat. Then I went on to adulthood and experienced lots and lots of rejection but I made it "better" with food since food never rejected me. I never felt I could please my mom - so I soothed myself with food.
So why do I now feel like I'm in a better place for getting healthy?
1. Mom is gone. I do know she was proud of me. But I don't have to worry about what negative BS she's going to dish out when I don't do what she thinks best.
2. Steve is gone. Basically he has been cut out of my life. I don't have to see him or hear him. I don't care what he thinks. And his words and looking at me like I am disgusting or looking thru me like I don't exist can't hurt me.
3. I stopped setting myself up for rejection by men. I'm better than that. Don't need no stinking jackwagon to treat me like crap.
And I have You. You are an amazing gift to my life.
And I have a wonderful job.
And I have great friends to support me.
And I have a great kid.
And I have my own place in the world.
And I deserve good/great/wonderful things.
There. Got that out of my system. What do you think?"
That's where I'm going to stop with the brainiac stuff. For now.I have lost only 1 pound since I last posted, so this week I took up walking the dogs again - 35-45 minutes a day is my goal. I ordered a pedometer so I can work on getting in more steps, even with my desk job. I'm using "fatsecret.com" to track my food and exercise. I'm drinking at minimum 64 oz of water a day.
That's how I'm rolling right now. Stay gold.
John and I are still loving life together. He is still my inspiration and my cheerleader. I took him along to a WL support group meeting. Funny thing - he has never had the luxury of support groups becuase he paid cash for his procedure and live 3 hours away from his doctor. This was a monumental thing for John. He got to brag up his own success. He got to share his challenges. He got to relate to people living his struggle. I enjoyed listening to him share and watching people be enthralled with his story. (He's so mine!! OMG - I'm terribly twitterpated.) We also got to spend some time hanging out on State Street in Madison - home of University of Wisconsin - Madison, a true party town. That was a great day!
Anyhooooooo - I'm struggling quite a bit. My fat brain says that 2000 calories is a ton of food and I've been overshooting that goal. I'm trying to set myself a mental limit of 1600-1800 cals so if I do go over I can still be within range of the 2000. This food logging has made me a little food obsessed where I don't think I really was before. I just ate and didn't think about it. It's ironic that I'm food obsessed and still overeating. But I'm working on that.
I did have a realization recently after reading an article from the Obesity Action Coalition entitled, "Self Estem, Insecurity and Obesity." It's a well-written piece drawing a correlation between negative messages received and obesity as a "protection" against the hurt of being verbally abused. Having suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous nastiness from my big brother for year and years, the lightbulb suddenly came on for me. I sent the following to John with whom I choose to share everything:
"I am reading on article on self-esteem, insecurity and obesity. It's really good. It talks a lot about the messages we are sent as we grow into adulthood. I think I figured out that part of my issue is that my brother - the one that hates me - gave me nothing but negative, critical feedback most of my childhood. Of all the people we want to impress and we to love us and think we are amazing, our big brother is the number one (right after mom and dad). Well, I got nothing from Steve but abusive language and physical violence (he hit me a lot).
So, I'm connecting the dots here. Mom told me to ignore him, and he'd go away. Well, Steve is the kind of bully who won't stop unless someone takes a stand. I was 15 or 16 before my dad finally made him stop hitting me. So then, he hated me more because Dad stood up for me and smacked him around a little to teach him a lesson.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I hid the pain of his abuse and rejection under layers and layers of fat. Then I went on to adulthood and experienced lots and lots of rejection but I made it "better" with food since food never rejected me. I never felt I could please my mom - so I soothed myself with food.
So why do I now feel like I'm in a better place for getting healthy?
1. Mom is gone. I do know she was proud of me. But I don't have to worry about what negative BS she's going to dish out when I don't do what she thinks best.
2. Steve is gone. Basically he has been cut out of my life. I don't have to see him or hear him. I don't care what he thinks. And his words and looking at me like I am disgusting or looking thru me like I don't exist can't hurt me.
3. I stopped setting myself up for rejection by men. I'm better than that. Don't need no stinking jackwagon to treat me like crap.
And I have You. You are an amazing gift to my life.
And I have a wonderful job.
And I have great friends to support me.
And I have a great kid.
And I have my own place in the world.
And I deserve good/great/wonderful things.
There. Got that out of my system. What do you think?"
That's where I'm going to stop with the brainiac stuff. For now.I have lost only 1 pound since I last posted, so this week I took up walking the dogs again - 35-45 minutes a day is my goal. I ordered a pedometer so I can work on getting in more steps, even with my desk job. I'm using "fatsecret.com" to track my food and exercise. I'm drinking at minimum 64 oz of water a day.
That's how I'm rolling right now. Stay gold.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The Beginning.....
Begin at the begining.
Now, where the hell else would you expect a person to begin? We don't have time to cover my entire life history, so let's just cut to the chase. I'm 47. Single mom. Fat. Overweight. Obese. Yeah, well....morbidly so. I started out the year at 328. And decided to blog at 324. Thus the name of the blog.
I used to blog under an alias, then my employer discovered my blog and rumor of my writing spread like wildfire, and I was being stalked by any number of busy body ass-jacks who had no need of reading about my quest for health. Well, people, Fat Don't Wrinkle, and I no longer have that employer. I got fired. Actually quit instead of being fired, but it's all the same. I was really upset for about 5 minutes. Then I realized that I was about to get my life back.
So I got fired and about 5 days later went on summer vacation with my kid - 13 y.o. boy, going on 27. When we returned I began the battle for unemployment - freaking out a little that it took me more than a month and a half to get approved. Yikes.
Fast forward - feeling good. Still fat and sassy. September comes and I'm getting nervous about trying to live on unemployment. I applied for lots of jobs, landing temp work at a catalogue distribution center processing returned merchandise. I hate folding clothes, but it was a job. Fasts forward to October.
I had an interview with my county's aging resource center. BAM!! I got the job. Over 300 people applied, and they chose me. (What.What!!!?) I landed in the greatest place on earth - I swear!! It's a circus some days, but I love every minute of it. I am appreciated. I am valued. I have skills. My can-do attitude is desired. My sarcasm is shared by nearly everyone in the office - as is my sense of humor. I love this place!!! I found peace! I found love! I found something to be passionate about!
Well, life has gone on. In late December I heard from a fellah I hadn't heard from in 17 years. He found me on facebook. I was like "WFT?!!?" Guess what - we clicked in a very crazy, very passionate, very internet affair. I suspect his wife caught him - ya can't just leave your email logged in and facebook logged on. Duh. Cuz BAM! It was over. I never did get to see him. No booty call. (dang!) But the last thing we talked about was me being alone. He thought I was a wonderful woman and deserved to be with someone to love. So, I looked for someone - that's another story. He gave me his blessing to find happiness. (As if I needed that from him.) One thing he did do for me was unlock the passion I have stuffed down for over five years while I've been flying solo. You could say that he "unleashed the beast". And for that I am grateful. I was on the verge of having an affair with a married man. Shame on me - I know. I know. I'm not caring to think about the right or wrong of what I did - but I know that it happened for a reason.
In the meantime, I started thinking about weightloss surgery; lapband - for specific. 3 other people in my office are going thru the WL Mgmt program thru our insurance. I have a built-in support network right here at work. So, I am pursuing that process. I am about a month in - and I'm hoping that 5 months from now I can have the procedure done.
Also in the meantime - I received a "God-message" one Saturday morning. January 5, I believe it was. It was put on my heart to look for a past love. We'll call him John. He and I had dated 10 years ago. We were extremely compatible and hit it off beautifully. We had so much in common and there was amazing chemistry. We had struggles - he'd been in a marriage that really hurt him as a loving human being. I was kind of a jerk - dealing with my own issues being a single mom with an ex who was a complete (and still is) douche-nozzle. (Not for the faint of heart, this blog.) Anyway, back then he suddenly emailed me saying he couldn't be in the relationship and it was over. (Me: WTH?) So I let him go - no fight, no begging, no pleading. About a month later, I found him on chat and he told me he had been going to ask me to marry him. Then I was devestated. But I never forgot him.
Back to the God-incidence thing. This voice in my head started nagging me to look for John. I knew he was married - so I ignored it, but the voice was so adamant. I found him on facebook but there was nothing there - we weren't friends, so he was all blocked up. And he was married - wasn't I already involved with one of those? Damn if that voice didn't demand that I look up his circuit court record. Yep, we can do that here. So I did - found out he was in the process of getting a divorce. WHOA! I went back to facebook and sent him a message. The nagging voice left me alone until Wednesday of that week. I had no response from him, so I shrugged it off until that Wednesday morning. The voice demanded that I send him an email at his job. Seriously?! So, I sent an email saying hello and giving a brief update of my life. I figured he'd ignore me or tell me to buzz off or, maybe - just maybe, he'd be happy to hear from me. I left it up to the powers that be.
Well, he emailed me back. He was thrilled to hear from me. We made a date for that Saturday. Our first date - Zero Dark Thirty and dinner. So, yes, "he had me at terrorism." Our date was amazing. It was like no time had passed. We held hands and cuddled up a little in the theater. Held hands and talkd and talked over dinner and a drink. Said our good-byes promising to be in touch. And we are - we still are. And we have rekindled our romance. We are at the beginning of what I hope will be a lifetime of love and laughter and living. I've never been so happy.
And - he's a weightloss surgery success story. He's lost 180 lbs thru gastric-bypass. He looks and feels great. He's an inspiration to me. He's a cheerleader. He's amazing.
This is the beginning of my story. It's a journey I am going to document mostly for me. So far, so good. I am at 314 lbs right now. Eating 2000 cals/per day. Walking when I can - will do more when the bitter cold here goes away.
If you are reading this, welcome to my story. Settle in. I hope you stick around for the feature.
Now, where the hell else would you expect a person to begin? We don't have time to cover my entire life history, so let's just cut to the chase. I'm 47. Single mom. Fat. Overweight. Obese. Yeah, well....morbidly so. I started out the year at 328. And decided to blog at 324. Thus the name of the blog.
I used to blog under an alias, then my employer discovered my blog and rumor of my writing spread like wildfire, and I was being stalked by any number of busy body ass-jacks who had no need of reading about my quest for health. Well, people, Fat Don't Wrinkle, and I no longer have that employer. I got fired. Actually quit instead of being fired, but it's all the same. I was really upset for about 5 minutes. Then I realized that I was about to get my life back.
So I got fired and about 5 days later went on summer vacation with my kid - 13 y.o. boy, going on 27. When we returned I began the battle for unemployment - freaking out a little that it took me more than a month and a half to get approved. Yikes.
Fast forward - feeling good. Still fat and sassy. September comes and I'm getting nervous about trying to live on unemployment. I applied for lots of jobs, landing temp work at a catalogue distribution center processing returned merchandise. I hate folding clothes, but it was a job. Fasts forward to October.
I had an interview with my county's aging resource center. BAM!! I got the job. Over 300 people applied, and they chose me. (What.What!!!?) I landed in the greatest place on earth - I swear!! It's a circus some days, but I love every minute of it. I am appreciated. I am valued. I have skills. My can-do attitude is desired. My sarcasm is shared by nearly everyone in the office - as is my sense of humor. I love this place!!! I found peace! I found love! I found something to be passionate about!
Well, life has gone on. In late December I heard from a fellah I hadn't heard from in 17 years. He found me on facebook. I was like "WFT?!!?" Guess what - we clicked in a very crazy, very passionate, very internet affair. I suspect his wife caught him - ya can't just leave your email logged in and facebook logged on. Duh. Cuz BAM! It was over. I never did get to see him. No booty call. (dang!) But the last thing we talked about was me being alone. He thought I was a wonderful woman and deserved to be with someone to love. So, I looked for someone - that's another story. He gave me his blessing to find happiness. (As if I needed that from him.) One thing he did do for me was unlock the passion I have stuffed down for over five years while I've been flying solo. You could say that he "unleashed the beast". And for that I am grateful. I was on the verge of having an affair with a married man. Shame on me - I know. I know. I'm not caring to think about the right or wrong of what I did - but I know that it happened for a reason.
In the meantime, I started thinking about weightloss surgery; lapband - for specific. 3 other people in my office are going thru the WL Mgmt program thru our insurance. I have a built-in support network right here at work. So, I am pursuing that process. I am about a month in - and I'm hoping that 5 months from now I can have the procedure done.
Also in the meantime - I received a "God-message" one Saturday morning. January 5, I believe it was. It was put on my heart to look for a past love. We'll call him John. He and I had dated 10 years ago. We were extremely compatible and hit it off beautifully. We had so much in common and there was amazing chemistry. We had struggles - he'd been in a marriage that really hurt him as a loving human being. I was kind of a jerk - dealing with my own issues being a single mom with an ex who was a complete (and still is) douche-nozzle. (Not for the faint of heart, this blog.) Anyway, back then he suddenly emailed me saying he couldn't be in the relationship and it was over. (Me: WTH?) So I let him go - no fight, no begging, no pleading. About a month later, I found him on chat and he told me he had been going to ask me to marry him. Then I was devestated. But I never forgot him.
Back to the God-incidence thing. This voice in my head started nagging me to look for John. I knew he was married - so I ignored it, but the voice was so adamant. I found him on facebook but there was nothing there - we weren't friends, so he was all blocked up. And he was married - wasn't I already involved with one of those? Damn if that voice didn't demand that I look up his circuit court record. Yep, we can do that here. So I did - found out he was in the process of getting a divorce. WHOA! I went back to facebook and sent him a message. The nagging voice left me alone until Wednesday of that week. I had no response from him, so I shrugged it off until that Wednesday morning. The voice demanded that I send him an email at his job. Seriously?! So, I sent an email saying hello and giving a brief update of my life. I figured he'd ignore me or tell me to buzz off or, maybe - just maybe, he'd be happy to hear from me. I left it up to the powers that be.
Well, he emailed me back. He was thrilled to hear from me. We made a date for that Saturday. Our first date - Zero Dark Thirty and dinner. So, yes, "he had me at terrorism." Our date was amazing. It was like no time had passed. We held hands and cuddled up a little in the theater. Held hands and talkd and talked over dinner and a drink. Said our good-byes promising to be in touch. And we are - we still are. And we have rekindled our romance. We are at the beginning of what I hope will be a lifetime of love and laughter and living. I've never been so happy.
And - he's a weightloss surgery success story. He's lost 180 lbs thru gastric-bypass. He looks and feels great. He's an inspiration to me. He's a cheerleader. He's amazing.
This is the beginning of my story. It's a journey I am going to document mostly for me. So far, so good. I am at 314 lbs right now. Eating 2000 cals/per day. Walking when I can - will do more when the bitter cold here goes away.
If you are reading this, welcome to my story. Settle in. I hope you stick around for the feature.
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